Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dear Utah......

I am visiting you for a few days, I'm babysitting the grandchildren whilst the parentals are on a vacay.
Today just for fun I decided to drive along I-15 to check out the IKEA store I've heard so much about.....with two children in tow.....

Anywayz, I'm driving along white-knuckling the steering wheel of the family car, because I don't love driving on these roads. It's scary and dangerous. I'm a simple little Idaho girl and I like two lanes, not 50. (maybe I exaggerate a little).
The cars in Utah drive very fast and close together. I try to leave room from the car in front of me so in case I have to come to a sudden stop, they don't get an "excursion enema" from me.

I'm confused on a few issues when I drive in Utah (ya, only a few) The billboards in Utah are fascinating. I think if I lived here I would have to sign up for Smartlipo because apparently everyone here is getting it. I also love the road sign in I-15 that said "stay in lane".........duh, I'm trying. I would like to request that Utah have the spaces between the little white lines (AKA "lanes") wider. I am from Idaho and I do resemble the Idaho Spudbutt.

I need wide lanes, they make me feel safer. I freak out a little when I have a semi truck on one side and a school bus filled with sweet little children on the other. I am driving my son's car and it's nothing to sneeze at. It's a tricked out Excursion, chrome, fancy wheels, little beepy thingy that beeps when I'm backing up, screen on the dash that shows what I'm backing into...it's a pretty big car.

I'm not used to big cars but I'm still scared of being between a semi and a school bus going a billion miles per hour (am I exaggerating again?)
And then person driving in Utah, there is this wave that has me totally confused. Unless you've had an unfortunate accident or have polydactyly you have FIVE fingers on your hand with which to wave. At first I thought there was some friendliness happenin' but then I saw the Satan eyebrow scowl and your tonsils and I knew there wasn't much love goin' on.
So I decided to do what I needed to do in Utah and show some attitude. After all the monster car I'm driving has Utah plates on it, it is a beasty set of wheels with chrome and a beepy back-up thingy. So watch out for this gramma! Once I got that mindset on, I was feeling REALLY good. "ya I fit in here" right up until I saw some red and blue flashing lights in my rearview mirror. YUP! Utah cop can spot the Idaho girl coppin' an attitude!

I promise I was not flipping waving at someone! No, I happened to be going 51 in a 30 zone! I didn't know there was such thing as a 30 MPH zone in Utah! Seriously! I was just following the examples that have been set before me! Well, bless that sweet officer. He looked at me and realized I was a dumb Idaho girl, and I was babysitting my grandkids for the week and I looked dang tired, and I couldn't find the IKEA store after driving clear to Draper and never seeing it and then turning around, and this officer knew that I was about to have a total meltdown right there and then. Bless his heart, he told me "ma'am get out of Dodge by sunset and I'll look the other way".
So now I'm safely off the roads in Utah (HEY! I heard that collective sigh of relief) and I think I won't be driving around here again....even to go try and find the IKEA store.

19 comments:

Kristina P. said...

IKEA is right down the street from my work, and it's magical.

Sorry I almost killed you in my SP truck.

(SP= Small penis) You know the trucks all the guys drive to compensate.

preparednesspro said...

Sounds like quite a memorable visit to Utah. Hope you managed to enjoy yourself while you were here! The IKEA is just between the Bangerter Highway exit and 12300 S exit in Draper. Did you ever make it?

Kirsten said...

It's funny you didn't see it. It's right by the freeway, silly girl!

Kim said...

You so crack me up!! If I wasn't laid up with 2 - count them 2 bumm knees I would have sooo gone with to IKEA and showed you what real Utah driving is all about. All except for one thing. . .we would have gotten the ticket!

Glad you are safe and sound in Ogden. Only a few short hours. Talk with you soon.

gigi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gigi said...

I hate UTAH Driver's they are the worst. I've gotten 3 speeding tickets in Utah. The last one I got came in the mail 6 weeks after I got home. It was taken by a hidden camera. The tag was on a rental car and they tracked me down from information from Hertz Rental. I was so ticked! They have sinced outlawed those hidden camera tickets. Another thing, on 3 different rental cars I've gotten rock chips in the windshield. Had to have those fixed before turning the car back into the company. I reall don't have much luck either in Utah. Sorry about your day. You really should go back and find the IKEA, it's so worth it :)

That was me that delete the last comment. Half of it didn't make any sence.

Cheri said...

You surely do make driving in Utah an experience! I still love going to my home state, although I am not related to all those friendly people waving at you. Smart thinking--looking like a poor tired Idaho girl. Glad you didn't get a ticket. I want to check out IKEA some day too!

g.suzie said...

Oh Tauna, you are such a 'crack up'
I can just see you getting on your bad attitude. . .And looking all mean in the pimped out ride you were driving! I've heard a lot about IKEA too but haven't been there yet, you've scared me now! Maybe I won't dare drive there either, we need Mary Z. to take us down and maybe stop at TaiPan while were down there!!!

nick said...

Mom... Ikea is full of crazy european furniture that is really small and weird. Sorry, I don't think that you would be down with it. And, sorry again...Utah drivers are nothing....they only have 4 or 5 lanes at the most...not 8 with several other large freeways trying to merge in at the same time. We'll try it again, and I will show you how to drive, and get away from the fuzz.

Cherie said...

Utah drivers are crazy maniacs!! Yes I said it!! Ha ha
You truly do take your life in your hands on Utah freeways.
(no on take this personally please - Kristina don't send your Snuggie after me!!!)
I can just picture you in that big 'ol Excursion, "wavin" at everyone and giving them some Grandma attitude!!
I am glad Mr. Copper let you off - So funny!!

Ann Marie said...

Ahhh! Ikea is not far from my house! :)

I hate the freeways.. and I agree 100% with the lanes.. Utah drivers.. etc.

Ikea has a few really cool organizing things and such.. but I don't love there furniture. Agree with your son on that one. :)

MaRiN said...

Wow what an event! I can't say the drivers in AZ are any better. Sounds like the normal freeway driving around here. I agree though, the lanes do need to be much wider...and I hope you make it to IKEA someday!

Kimmie said...

You are SO funny! Your description of driving in Utah is perfect!!

Yes, I can totally relate to feeling MAJORLY stressed out having cars driving on both sides of me. I am white knuckled the whole way from Ogden to Provo.

All of your humor you added to your post has got me laughing hard!! Glad the officer was kind to you.

I like the simple easy going roads and traffic in Idaho. I don't think I could ever get used to Utah traffic (OR, large city traffic in general).

So, nice that you get to spend some time with the grand kids!

We're heading out tomorrow to pick Huckleberries for one last time.
Have a Wonderful Weekend!!

Mary Z said...

Hey girls, I am in for the Utah trip to get Tauna to IKEA. ALthough I went to one in California once and was not overwhelmed. I wil ltake Tai Pan anyday.

g.suzie said...

Ok Tauna did you read Mary's comment she is all in for the Utah trip!!! Are you up to trying it one more time. . .?

The Garden of Egan said...

OK Mary and Suzie......with leadership I will go...as long as Mary doens't decide to start "waving" at people....she does have road rage issues.

April said...

You really were white-knuckling it! Missing the IKEA store! WOW! Maybe it's for the best. It's addictive!

Jeppesens said...

You are hilarious! I hope you are having a good time in utah. I agree about the lines on the roads. Your kids are so lucky to have you as a mom. You are always so good to babysit. See back in the burg.

Kado! said...

you never got to IKEA??? It is a dream...and you could have dropped the kids off in their FREE child care center...I go to IKEA when I need a break...I drop the kids off and go have lunch with myself in the cafe....then pick them back up and back to reality! LOVE IKEA!