Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A letter to the BIGGEST LOSER

Imagine, if you will, a highly polished surface, clear, glassy and very shiney.
Then add to that an entire ton of cooking oil, applied to that previously described surface.
AND THEN apply a liberal dose of Lemon Pledge. (cuz it smells good)
This is a surface so smooth and clear and glistening that you could look into it and apply makeup. Or pluck out stray chin hairs
What I have described for you is not a magnified mirror. Nope! What I have described are the roads in my part of the country today.
We had no less that 10 MVA's come in by ambulance or private car within about a 3 hour block of time! I ran my fanny off I'm hear to tell ya! OK I obviously didn't run it off since it's still amply there.

And to the mid-20 year old person from another state that shall remain anomymous who complained bitterly that THIS "stupid" state probably could afford to put down a little sand. (yes he really did say stupid) Who further went on to insult my fair state and pretty much everyone that has ever passed through this state. I'm sure you are a very good driver as you're driving without your seatbelt and were doing just fine passing all the other cars that had rolled or had run off the road. Yes, I'm pretty sure you were in a hurry and that's why you were in the passing lane going mach 50 and yes I'm sure that idiot in front of you really should have gotten out of your very important way.
I just have one thing to say to you as you are lying on my gurney in a C-collar, on a backboard, strapped down....with your clothes cut off...I love scissors...."Sir, I'm sorry you were so inconvenienced today by the snow storm. It must be a real bummer for you to have run off the road, smashed your car and now have to get a citation from some of those officers from my fair state because of your "awesome" ninja driving skills. It's fortunate that you only caused 1 person to run off the road. I just want you to remember a couple of things here:"
#1. There were a bunch of people that got from point A to point B and stayed on the road.
#2. I am the one with the ninja scissors! I ain't afraid to use them.
#3. My mother does NOT wear Army boots. (However, my son does and I'm proud of it)

"So dear loser sir. In the future, do us all a favor and stay off the roads.

That is all.
Sincerely,
Nurse Pirhana (rhymes with Tauna)

30 comments:

Hilary said...

And it's guys like him that caused me to stay in my warm house today. Good job exercising restraint with the scissors! :)

The Garden of Egan said...

Uh, Hilary, I didn't exercise restraint with the scissors.

Julie Harward said...

YOU ARE FUNNY! I THINK I'LL STAY AWAY FROM YOU WHEN YOU HAVE SCISSORS...I CAN TELL THAT YOU ARE A GREAT NURSE..YOU HAVE THE "VOICE OF AUTHORITY" ABOUT YOU, ESPECIALLY WITH SCISSORS IN HAND! LOL COME SAY HI :D

linda said...

You tell him sister! He didn't know who he was dealing with! Very important rule: Don't ever cross a nurse with scissors...or a needle!

Connie said...

It's gotta be someone else's fault!
Good job putting that guy in his place and "stripping" him of his pride!

Nef Fam said...

Oh, oh, oh -- If we could just be a fly on the wall, watching you in action, seesta! I would clap so loudly my antennae would ache. Right now, I'm laughing so loudly, my ...... aches. :)

Queenie Jeannie said...

Stoopid drivers!!! No fear, they're everywhere and I've driven all over the world!

PS: I don't see no stinkin' handcrafted, awesome cards anywhere....just sayin. =D

farmergalsmarket said...

Yes! Hostility! I feel like being hostile today too, but I don't really have anyone to take it out on, so I'll just live vicariously through you. Us bloggers are just too nice sometimes.

Just Breathe said...

I would have cut off his clothes off whether he needed it or not. Let him lay there stripped of his pride.
Oh never mine, he obviously doesn't know a thing about pride or when to shut up!

Teresa said...

I love it! You are so honest and so funny. I would love to come watch you in action!

Grandma Yellow Hair said...

You always entertain me when I get to visit your site.
So glad your in the profession your in because Lord knows we need more of them like you.
Take care of yourself
Maggie

Adam & Leesha Wickern said...

Can I just come take a looksy at this guy? I just want a peek, it helps complete the story! I won't be long, I promise...I can't promise though that I won't tell that other doc how I feel about his diagnosis that was way out in left field and then charged me $400...I'm not bitter I swear!

Yvonne said...

It's always someone else's fault--isn't it.

I hate icy roads and some people refuse to slow down when it's like that. He didn't shut up when he saw the scissors???? Obviously, not a very smart young man.

Kirsten said...

Seriously, if I'm ever (and I HOPE I'm not any time soon!) in need of the ER, you had BETTER be my nurse! hahahahaha! Oh I miss the regular association with you! I wish I could just pick those of my fav's from 4th ward and move you all here with me!!

Cherie said...

Well said!! Oh YEAH!! I get so tired of weinerhead drivers and I don't even have to cut off their clothes!!

P.S. I didn't know you became and SU consultant. I love to stamp it is my newest hobby but I need more time!!

Small House said...

HA....well said!! It's good to be the one in charge with scissors in your hand!!
He sure would have hated driving behind me this morning in the fog.
Have a great day.

RatalieNose said...

I can't stand people like that!!!!
This cracked me up!!!!

Mikki said...

You tell him Tauna!!!
You'd think he might be a little grateful just to be alive!?

Nikia, May and da kids said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ... I don't like the driving in my state but I live here and have learned to get over it and make do. Besides, I'm an excellent driver and although I was not raised in the snow (LA doesn't snow and the few rare occurrences in the Valley don't count, lol), I know better than to create a traumatic situation for myself and possibly others, by being a speed demon on the winter roads.

What would I have to look forward to doing in the summers??

May

gigi said...

Yeah, you go sista!! And telling him with those sissors in your hand! I hope he got the point, hhahahahah! Not really but yeah really! I hope that I get to come to your town but not to your ER! Love ya though :)
((Hugs))

Camille said...

Ha! :) too funny!

Beth at Aunties said...

Too bad he won't read this! I hope he learns a lesson and will always remember the Nurse with the scissors and know how blessed he was she was taught decency, integrity and in our fair (Home)state. Yep, I was raised down the road... About 50 miles farther than where Florence's used to be.

It was an 18 year old driver like him who caused my dad's death. He had 5 DUI's at 18. Invinsiable and never his fault.

AND NO the heavy lid does not work! Darn. I just waddled in here to visit my friends.
Enjoy a happy weekend!:-)

Dream Weaver Family said...

Oh yes, I was there that day, and I won't mention any names as well....but we see more that one@#!%@&*$%&*person a day, he won't be the first, or the last. And I'm afraid of your scissors too!

Sher said...

Amen! I'm amazed that we go two weeks without snow, and then suddenly, it snows again, and people forget how to drive in it.
And of course it's all the road's fault! Not theirs!

Life is good! said...

i agree with you totally and i understand those chin hair thingies!

Queenie Jeannie said...

Lovin your new background!

wendy said...

Oh yeah baby. Did you hold the scissors up to his jugular and say "tell me you love Idaho or you may never be able to say you love anything again" . That would be fun.
I have this sick side to me ---to many CSI shows lately I think.
Or maybe it is the Jack Bauer in me.

hey, speaking of your name.....I love that you told me YOUR WHOLE REAL NAME.
never heard it before and I think its cool
just like you
Nurse Ninja

Sherrie said...

LOL you made me laugh. Good job! I hate drivers like that!

InkyFingers said...

Thanks for posting on my blog. I got a kick out of reading yours!

Mimi

Controlling My Chaos said...

Seriously, you have the BEST job. When people make fashion faux pas, you get to relieve them of their bad choices. You are like a super hero, making the world a better place.