Monday, October 26, 2009

Ask-A-Nurse...Questions answered

It is now time for Part Two of Ask-A-Nurse. I had so many submissions asking for my sage advice.
There have been many who have sought medical expertise across the country and finally came to me for their answers. I'm glad I was able to put their minds at ease.
Question #1 came from Kristina. She was wondering about the hangnail on her finger. Her concern was if she had cancer. Well,Krisina, put your mind at rest immediately. No, you do not have cancer. You should immediately put that finger into your mouth and bite that hangnail off. No one wants to look at your hangnail. Get a snuggy and cover it up for the love! However, if you do get one more hangnail you should run to the drugstore and buy an EPT. It is a well known fact that pregnancy causes hangnails and you should be concerned. Also I would recommend if hangnails continue that you try and make an appointment with Dr. Phil. He is always there with open arms.

Question #2 comes from Cherie Her grave concern is about a pain in her thigh radiating to her neck. This can be one of two things. First, I would have to ask, is it really a pain in your thigh or is it a pain in your but? You know, the kind of pain that occurs because you are trying to make excuses "but officer I was going the speed limit". IF it isn't a pain in your but, then you need to consider that the cinnamon rolls that you made weren't made for you and you alone and the pain in your thigh is from stretching out the jeans that causes your neck to hurt due to the strain of putting on said jeans. NEXT time you make cinnamon rolls you should consider dropping some off to those who can help you the most....ME.

Question #3 is from Kim who wondered if the swine flu test she was given in her doctor's office was correct. No Kim honey it wasn't. A swine flu test result isn't a 15 minute test. It is a send out and is extremely expensive. The doctor was probably suffering from IDGAD and told you his canned answer. (IDGAD is also known as I don't give a darn just pay me the money) I hope that if they did send out the test for the H1N1 that you feel better by the time the results come back.

Question #4 comes from Mary. Mary is also a nurse. Her hubby is a doctor. Mary also used to be my boss. She used to get really REALLY mad at us for giving out phone advice. She would have smoke coming out of her nose and spittle flying from her mouth. (is that an accurate description Mary?) Yes, the answer to your question...I am giving out advice! I gotta make a living somehow...we didn't get raises this year.

Question #5 comes from dear sweet former member of the United States...sniffle sniffle Wendy. Wendy asks if her diet of continuous non-stop fast food french fries and Dairy Queen Blizzards would enable her to continue with the beautiful girlish figure that she enjoys. For the love Wendy, I thought you were living in the outter depths of the wilderness!!! How is the world do you manage to find a DQ? Now stop it! Immediately! Keep it up and you won't be able to run from the wild meese! And there won't be enough botox in the world to make you happy!

My final question is from Kristen who I watched grow up from a pup! She wonders if she should continue teaching piano lessons if the children are sick and have the H1N1. My answer is this: NO. If those children are bringing illness into your home you should immediately stop teaching piano lessons and disinfect your piano keys thoroughly. You will probably stop having headaches too. Piano music gives everyone headaches...especially when small children play it.

OK, so that is it for this week's questions. Be sure to stay tune for others. No question is too small for me to answer....or make fun of.


Kristin said...

Thank you Tauna... I knew you were my 2nd mom for a reason.

Kristina P. said...

I knew I didn't have to go and see an actual doctor. The Internet is awesome for all medical diagnoses!

Sondra said...

You have such a great sense of humor... I love reading your blogs because I end up rolling on the floor laughing.

Sooooo true on the Diagnosis for Cherie... eating all those cinnamon rolls by herself -- not even picking up the phone to her poor old neighbor to share them with her... Jeeeeze :-D..

You are VERY good at answering our medical concerns... I hope you make a great living at it.. You are hired!

gigi said...

Okay, I'm not even a nurse and I got this phone call on Saturday from a sista asking if she should go to Urgent care with the ingrown hair on her "hoo haa"?!?!?! WHAT???? She is crying with embarrassment and actual pain! It's red and painful and she is scared of MRSA. I'm like, "Honey, um... yeah," I guess!?! HOW WOULD I KNOW?

Napping peacefully in the recliner yesterday afternoon after church, the phone rings. Same person calling. Crying loudly she tells me that she has just left from the clinic. Male DR. on call, No Male Dr. has ever been in that region of her body before, she is traumatized and in pain! Culture was taken, antibiotic shot was given and a white piece of paper with two prescriptions for more antibiotic was in hand. Results to be expected in 48 hour, or maybe 72hrs. not sure? NOW I AM TRAUMATIZED!

Not being a nurse and use to dealing with this kind of drama, I NEED YOUR PHONE NUMBER!!! so that I can refer all medical calls to you at "Ask~A~Nurse"!

Ann Marie said...

You are sooo funny! LOL!

I can't BELIEVE you are giving us all of this advice for free!

I feel LUCKY today!! ha-ha

kado! said...

You crack me up!....and yeah...I'd like to know how Wendy found a DQ...because i can't even find a DQ here in NY...are they only on the West Coast...because someone should have told me that before I moved here...that could have been some important info!...see it drove me to become a Vegan! ;)

...oh and on that note...Is there a Vegan H1N1 flu vaccine? I heard today that the flu-vaccine was grown in chicken eggs...therefore making them a derivative of an animal what options do I have?
signed your no-chicken allowed-blogging friend! ;)

Cherie said...

ROTFLOL!!!!!! :D
You are the best and I love all your advice!!
If I am ever truly sick I am sending a helicopter for you to be my personal nurse!!

Connie said...

You are my hero to give out all this info for us laymen. I have a question for you. It's a nutrition question. Which color of peanut m&m is the most nutritious? I think it's green but I'm sure you'll know for sure.

Jessica Feely Photography said... are SO funny! I enjoyed your little Q&A :) So here is a question...Im scared to get the flu vaccine...should I get it, and is it too late? Clara is 1, but I am afraid she will get sick from the shot b/c it is a live virus afterall right?

Kirsten said...

Who needs to watch "The Doctors" for answers to all our medical needs when we have Nurse Tauna for that?! Thank you nurse Tauna, now I'll never have to worry about my health ever again! You have all the answers!

April said...

Aha!!! I will run out and get an EPT right now! This hangnail is killing me!

wendy said...

Oh man, I am laughing so hard right now I have DQ ice cream coming out my nose.
HEY ----when you live in the boonies like me you are willing to drive for MILES AND MILES AND MILES for some junk food. trust me.

Can you come up here please and give me a flu shot --went to the clinic today and there was a 3 hour wait.
Shheeeesh, I'll get swine flue just hanging around all these people waiting to get their shot.
No thanks.
I went home without it.

Mary Z said...

Tauna had I known you were giving out such incredible medical advice over the ER phone I would have given you a raise vs a reprimand. I have a question for you. What is the best treatment for insomnia?

Higgs Happenin's said...

ha! Dr. Phil. Piano lessons gave me headaches as a child and I was the one playing! That's when you know it's time to quit, which I did.

Nana said...

It is so nice to have someone to turn to for sage medical advice.

Yvonne said...

Oh my goodness, you are hilarious. Too funny.