Ask-A-Nurse...Questions answered

It is now time for Part Two of Ask-A-Nurse. I had so many submissions asking for my sage advice.
There have been many who have sought medical expertise across the country and finally came to me for their answers. I'm glad I was able to put their minds at ease.
Question #1 came from Kristina. She was wondering about the hangnail on her finger. Her concern was if she had cancer. Well,Krisina, put your mind at rest immediately. No, you do not have cancer. You should immediately put that finger into your mouth and bite that hangnail off. No one wants to look at your hangnail. Get a snuggy and cover it up for the love! However, if you do get one more hangnail you should run to the drugstore and buy an EPT. It is a well known fact that pregnancy causes hangnails and you should be concerned. Also I would recommend if hangnails continue that you try and make an appointment with Dr. Phil. He is always there with open arms.

Question #2 comes from Cherie Her grave concern is about a pain in her thigh radiating to her neck. This can be one of two things. First, I would have to ask, is it really a pain in your thigh or is it a pain in your but? You know, the kind of pain that occurs because you are trying to make excuses "but officer I was going the speed limit". IF it isn't a pain in your but, then you need to consider that the cinnamon rolls that you made weren't made for you and you alone and the pain in your thigh is from stretching out the jeans that causes your neck to hurt due to the strain of putting on said jeans. NEXT time you make cinnamon rolls you should consider dropping some off to those who can help you the most....ME.

Question #3 is from Kim who wondered if the swine flu test she was given in her doctor's office was correct. No Kim honey it wasn't. A swine flu test result isn't a 15 minute test. It is a send out and is extremely expensive. The doctor was probably suffering from IDGAD and told you his canned answer. (IDGAD is also known as I don't give a darn just pay me the money) I hope that if they did send out the test for the H1N1 that you feel better by the time the results come back.

Question #4 comes from Mary. Mary is also a nurse. Her hubby is a doctor. Mary also used to be my boss. She used to get really REALLY mad at us for giving out phone advice. She would have smoke coming out of her nose and spittle flying from her mouth. (is that an accurate description Mary?) Yes, the answer to your question...I am giving out advice! I gotta make a living somehow...we didn't get raises this year.

Question #5 comes from dear sweet former member of the United States...sniffle sniffle Wendy. Wendy asks if her diet of continuous non-stop fast food french fries and Dairy Queen Blizzards would enable her to continue with the beautiful girlish figure that she enjoys. For the love Wendy, I thought you were living in the outter depths of the wilderness!!! How is the world do you manage to find a DQ? Now stop it! Immediately! Keep it up and you won't be able to run from the wild meese! And there won't be enough botox in the world to make you happy!

My final question is from Kristen who I watched grow up from a pup! She wonders if she should continue teaching piano lessons if the children are sick and have the H1N1. My answer is this: NO. If those children are bringing illness into your home you should immediately stop teaching piano lessons and disinfect your piano keys thoroughly. You will probably stop having headaches too. Piano music gives everyone headaches...especially when small children play it.

OK, so that is it for this week's questions. Be sure to stay tune for others. No question is too small for me to answer....or make fun of.