Monday, October 26, 2009

Ask-A-Nurse...Questions answered

It is now time for Part Two of Ask-A-Nurse. I had so many submissions asking for my sage advice.
There have been many who have sought medical expertise across the country and finally came to me for their answers. I'm glad I was able to put their minds at ease.
Question #1 came from Kristina. She was wondering about the hangnail on her finger. Her concern was if she had cancer. Well,Krisina, put your mind at rest immediately. No, you do not have cancer. You should immediately put that finger into your mouth and bite that hangnail off. No one wants to look at your hangnail. Get a snuggy and cover it up for the love! However, if you do get one more hangnail you should run to the drugstore and buy an EPT. It is a well known fact that pregnancy causes hangnails and you should be concerned. Also I would recommend if hangnails continue that you try and make an appointment with Dr. Phil. He is always there with open arms.

Question #2 comes from Cherie Her grave concern is about a pain in her thigh radiating to her neck. This can be one of two things. First, I would have to ask, is it really a pain in your thigh or is it a pain in your but? You know, the kind of pain that occurs because you are trying to make excuses "but officer I was going the speed limit". IF it isn't a pain in your but, then you need to consider that the cinnamon rolls that you made weren't made for you and you alone and the pain in your thigh is from stretching out the jeans that causes your neck to hurt due to the strain of putting on said jeans. NEXT time you make cinnamon rolls you should consider dropping some off to those who can help you the most....ME.

Question #3 is from Kim who wondered if the swine flu test she was given in her doctor's office was correct. No Kim honey it wasn't. A swine flu test result isn't a 15 minute test. It is a send out and is extremely expensive. The doctor was probably suffering from IDGAD and told you his canned answer. (IDGAD is also known as I don't give a darn just pay me the money) I hope that if they did send out the test for the H1N1 that you feel better by the time the results come back.

Question #4 comes from Mary. Mary is also a nurse. Her hubby is a doctor. Mary also used to be my boss. She used to get really REALLY mad at us for giving out phone advice. She would have smoke coming out of her nose and spittle flying from her mouth. (is that an accurate description Mary?) Yes, the answer to your question...I am giving out advice! I gotta make a living somehow...we didn't get raises this year.

Question #5 comes from dear sweet former member of the United States...sniffle sniffle Wendy. Wendy asks if her diet of continuous non-stop fast food french fries and Dairy Queen Blizzards would enable her to continue with the beautiful girlish figure that she enjoys. For the love Wendy, I thought you were living in the outter depths of the wilderness!!! How is the world do you manage to find a DQ? Now stop it! Immediately! Keep it up and you won't be able to run from the wild meese! And there won't be enough botox in the world to make you happy!

My final question is from Kristen who I watched grow up from a pup! She wonders if she should continue teaching piano lessons if the children are sick and have the H1N1. My answer is this: NO. If those children are bringing illness into your home you should immediately stop teaching piano lessons and disinfect your piano keys thoroughly. You will probably stop having headaches too. Piano music gives everyone headaches...especially when small children play it.

OK, so that is it for this week's questions. Be sure to stay tune for others. No question is too small for me to answer....or make fun of.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

{Cowboy Wisdom from Idaho}

I saw this and loved it so I am gonna share it.

1-Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

2-Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

3-Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

4-A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

5-Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

6-Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

7-Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

8-Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

9-It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

10-You cannot unsay a cruel word.

11-Every path has a few puddles.

12-When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

13-The best sermons are lived, not preached.

14-Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

15-Don't judge folks by their relatives.

16-Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

17-Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

18-Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

19-Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

20-If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

21-Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

22-The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

23-Always drink upstream from the herd.

24-Good judgement comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

25-Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

26-If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

27-Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Here in Idaho we used to have a 1-800 number that you could call to Ask-a-Nurse questions that you might have. Well, they did away with it, not sure why. Probably because of some dumb lawyer
Anyway, I have decided that I shall become the new 1-800 number. I'm generous like that. However, you may not like what I have to say. So when you submit your questions you better be prepared to thicken up your skin, cause I tell it like it is.

So here goes....
Question #1:
Do I have the flu?
Yes, you probably do. However, be sure to take tylenol and motrin and stay home. Drink plenty of fluid and don't go shopping. Stay home to prevent further spread of the infection. If you choose to come to the Emergency Room be sure to wear a mask. If you choose NOT to wear a mask and if you choose to cough and hack in the nurses face while she is trying to do an assessment on you, and you don't even make an attempt to cover your mouth with your hands because they were obviously broken by the bad naughty flu bug, plan on having a mask slapped placed on your face.
Question #2:
How long will the flu last? And will Tamiflu help?
The flu will last probably 2 two weeks. If you take Tamiflu it will be shortened significantly to 14 days.
Question #3:
If I need an ambulance to come to my house, what is the number to 9-1-1?
9-1-1 (I have seriously had this phone call on more than one occasion)

OK, so that is all the time we have for this addition of Ask-A-Nurse. I hope you will stay tuned for upcoming episodes and be sure to submit your questions.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Gramma got run over by a reindeer.....

Yup, I'm gramma and I think there was a reindeer stampede. Welcome to my world this morning.

Green grass and snow, such a contradiction!
Just last week I was enjoying watching my cat go crazy in a patch of catnip.

Well, gotta go put on some Christmas music.